4,000

It's been a dreary sort of week. Either the weather has matched my mood, or my mood has matched the weather. It can be difficult to discern the difference in the UK. That being said, I am grateful that it hasn't been unbearably hot here like it has been in most other parts of the world.

My goal for this week was to write the last essay. 4,000 words. The longest one yet. It took the longest to write too. But by Friday around 11am, it was completed! I moved around a lot this week to try to keep from being bored (Armitage Room, Queens' Library, Queens' Secret Spot, Judge Library, and Law Library), but my favourite spot to work was at the Law Library. I loooove all the natural light.

As quiet as it is in Cambridge right now (beyond the hoards of tourists), a few of us MBAs found excuses to get together and have some fun. 

On Monday, Jasreen and I went to St. John's to watch Much Ado About Nothing. We were laughing excessively - the Cambridge Shakespeare Festival is worth attending!

 

Karina cooked fajitas for us that we enjoyed in the Queens' MCR. I've missed my texmex so much and Karina solved that problem. Grateful for nights like this.

On Wednesday we were supposed to go to the Botanic Gardens and listen to a concert there, but in true UK fashion, it was raining. So we pivoted like true Brits to a pub. A good pivot that led to some fun stories.

Thursday afternoon I caught up with an unexpected turned long-lost friend. The evening was spent at Little Petra and the Panton Arms. Thank you for ordering for us, Hadeel! Sorry for not snapping at pic, Jo - but you are still making the blog! :)

The rest of the weekend passed without much fanfare. I officially have one suitcase fully packed which comes with its own set of emotions. 

I find that I do a lot of my best thinking and learning when I walk (thank you, mom). So when I want to process things or memorize something, you guessed it, I go for a walk. Today the walk took me to the Cambridge Botanic Gardens. It was a lovely day out and it was incredibly peaceful. This evening I registered for an extra class at Cambridge. Tomorrow I start one more week of classes here, because why the heck not.

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It's funny, every time I talk to my parents, they are so excited. I'll be home in less than a month. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to be back home too, but there's another emotion that is intertwined with that excitement.

Trepidation?

Nervousness?

Confusion?

It's hard to put a finger on what the right word is.

This year has been indescribable. I'm so grateful for this blog since it has almost captured the experience. I've lived a life that no one back home can really understand or connect with for the past year. That in itself is a little terrifying. There are 210 people who are about to be scattered all across the globe though that do get it. That in itself is a little amazing. 

Where does life go from here? 

I've met some amazing humans, experienced beautiful moments, traveled the world, and learned a thing or two along the way. 

How can anything compare to this? 

Has life peaked at 30? 

I hope not.

The life I've lived here feels fake in many ways. Multiple times this week I walked home, in the dark, alone, and wasn't worried I was going to get attacked. I will never experience that freedom ever again. It's a sad world that we live in, but Cambridge has been a unique respite. Oh, and the chocolate tastes better here (the food quality is just better - c'mon FDA, get your act together). 

One thing is for sure, this place is not the same without the people. It's been quiet since I've been back - some people have already left. Don't get me wrong, this place is still neat, but it's really people that make places mean something. People, not places make memories.

I feel guilty for feeling whatever the emotion is that comes with the thought of leaving. I've been fortunate enough to have an experience most people only dream of and I don't take it for granted. This experience has made an indelible mark on me and I don't know if anyone outside of this bubble will understand. But, reality calls.

Maybe it's the fear of the unknown? I know that you have to say goodbye so that you can say hello to something new, blah, blah, blah. I do get it - I obviously had to say goodbye to a lot of things to say hello to this experience. But there are some goodbyes that feel more final than others. There are people that I never will see again, maybe never even talk to again. Is anyone else not totally okay with that? I am the only one having an existential crisis about this? I know some friends and people are only in your life for a season, but man this has been a short and beautiful season of life. 

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With all the 'extra' time on my hands, I've spent some time catching up on shows that I haven't had time for. One is The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I watched the finale tonight and part of her final bit really struck a chord with me. Well, all but one line, I'll let you guess which one.

"I want a big life.

I want to experience everything.

I want to break every

single rule there is.

They say ambition is an

unattractive trait in a woman.

Maybe.

But you know what's really unattractive?

Waiting around for something to happen.

Staring out a window, thinking

the life you should be living

is out there somewhere

but not being willing

to open the door and go get it.

Even if someone tells you you can't."

During my senior year of high school, my college counselor told me that I had no chance to get into one of the state schools in Texas. That I should lower my expectations. Although, I'm still not sure why - I had good grades and extracurriculars, but I've never been good at standardized tests. In the end, I did get accepted and even went to that state university in Texas. Good ole Texas A&M University, Class of 2014. 

In my fourth year at uni, I had an academic advisor in my sorority tell me I would never get a job because of my grade point average. That same semester the College of Engineering gave me an award for my grade point average. Weeks later I accepted a summer internship at NASA.

I've been told to wait my turn, that I'm too young, that I couldn't possibly understand. If only I wore glasses! 

I have found that few things motivate as well as someone telling me I can't accomplish something. I've learned that no one can put a limit on you except yourself. Maybe ambition is unattractive in a woman. But if that's the price I have to pay, I will. 

My parents say that I've filled multiple buckets full of life this year alone. But in this case, I am greedy and want more. There's still so much to learn, to see, and to do. I have lofty, maybe even crazy goals.

And I want to see how big life can get.