Where Do We Go From Here

On my last euro trip to Scotland, we came upon this sign in Edinburgh that said, "Where do we go from here?". At the time, it felt annoyingly poignant. But this question keeps popping up in the last 48 days since I've been back in America. 

To be honest, I have been struggling. I feel lost. Like a sail without a mast. Feeling like I have no direction, no belonging, and sometimes like no purpose. 

I do not like it. 

At all.

I was spoiled over the past year. I was challenged daily and pushed outside of my comfort zone in one way or another. I no longer feel challenged and boy is it boring. 

I've questioned several times if this is just 'normal' and I no longer know what that looks or feels like. Even before the MBA, I was running at a pace faster than most as we were in a 24/7 manufacturing schedule. Talking to Rebecca a few days ago she also mentioned not being able to 'rest' either. 

It feels like what I imagine the come down from a high is. I've been overstimulated for a year and now there's silence. It's uncomfortable. 

Going into the MBA, I naively expected to leave the MBA with a plan. In the famous words of Phoebe from Friends, 'I don't even have a pla'. The beauty of the MBA is that it opened me up in countless ways to a vast world, but more importantly, opened up the world to me. Ironically, that doesn't help in the narrowing down of 'where do we go from here', and making plans for the next steps.

I took an internship in the hopes of gaining clarity on a path to take. Unfortunately, I haven't received any - yet, at least. Nonetheless, the constant question I receive is 'what's next', 'where do you want to work', 'what do you want to do', and 'where do you want to be'. Which is a happy change of pace from 'are you dating anyone', but a more difficult line of questioning to answer.

While the world might not be my oyster, I am grateful that I have lots of paths to explore going forward. What I have learned is that I want to hold out for the right job. And no, I don't know what that looks like quite yet, but it has to be something with purpose, that's challenging and has room for me to grow and improve.

In talking to a classmate today he said, 'Life is whatever you make it Christine', which was a good reminder. In one blog post, I talked a lot about choices and that the beauty of them is that we get to keep making choices. This means I need to stress less about where I go from here and remember that very few things are permanent. 

What comes next?

I miss a lot more of my life abroad than I could have predicted. Just a Euro babe living in the US of A. In all seriousness, I've missed the contemplative aspect of the past year. This blog helped me process and (sometimes) critically analyze what we were living through. And now there's this big void. The life I'm living right now is not generating that same brain challenge and I miss it more than I would have thought. I am by no means a writer, but CeeDeeWorld became a bigger part of 'me' than I expected. 

So if you're still reading this, thank you.